First thing half the people assess when stepping on a small boat is finding a location to pee from? Just a fact, because, what’s more important than finding a safe place for John Thursday to hang overboard to experience that euphoric feeling of relieving a full bladder. Call it like it is. To the other half, mostly women, not a big deal, just use the toilet.
But it is a big deal……. It’s a huge deal! On an oceangoing small vessel one cannot just stand in front of a toilet, holding with one hand onto a hand-rail and the other onto John Thursday, while performing a gyrating act with the hips to maintain some sort of balance and then hit the porcelain in one steady stream. Just not going to happen. Going to be all over the place. So one has to sit down……Imagine…..The horror! But how do I know that, how do I know what Tom, Jack or Tony think about sitting down to pee. Do we talk about such things? Do we have discussions on that subject? No, we don’t, but here is my source of information, I drive tour buses, I drive them a lot. I always give my passengers the spiel on emergency exits, reading lights, safety belts, armrests and climate control. I tell them about the bathroom in the back and ask them to please sit down when using it and when I add the words ‘all of you’ the grumbling starts.
There are many books out there on how to maintain a small boat, how to cook in a small galley a million miles away from the nearest grocery store, how to navigate by the stars, how to entertain guests etc, etc, etc, the list goes on. There are monthly publications with articles on how to keep bird shit off your boat, how to keep the boat rat free and how to change out a toilet. Not to mention the countless articles on how to service an anchor and how to put on the tenth layer of varnish on the transom, you’d think anybody interested would have figured that out by, I don’t know, the fourth layer maybe.
But as far as I know, there are no articles on how to pee overboard. And that is truly amazing, as that is one of the pleasures of being on a boat. A small boat that is, I don’t recommend peeing overboard on a cruise ship, that might be frowned upon, or also not while still tied up in a marina, not a good idea.
So where to go? The preferable spots are on the stern, the back end of the boat. And preferably where there are uprights. An upright is just a tube of steel holding up a canopy, a solar panel, a wind turbine, or whatever. It’s good to have one on port and one on starboard, you don’t want to be peeing against the wind. You place your two feet securely on the edge of the boat, hug the pole and you have two hands available to do your business. This is the ideal scenario. Hanging off the stern, feeling secure, a whole ocean around you, John Thursday out of hiding, doing your business. Peeing with a view. Now how does that compare with sitting on a little white pot, crammed into a tiny little room? You be the judge.
If the above scenario is not available, as on this particular boat, one has to hold on to something while leaning overboard. This requires practice. Here you are, boat moving like crazy, hanging on for dear life with your left hand and now with your right hand you have to open your fly, dig in there, free John Thursday, bring him out, relief yourself, do the drip drip thing, bring him back where he belongs and zipper up. Fun fact, many drowned bodies recovered by the coast guard and many people just fallen overboard for no apparent reason at all, are men with wide open flies. It’s a challenge alright, but it can be done.
There are always the shrouds, those lines at either side of the mast that keeps it in place. They work very well for the purpose of peeing overboard. However, unlike using the stern one is in full view. For some that could be, or could lead, to an undesirable situation.
Clothing is an issue. Some boats sail around with butt naked crews. One can see the obvious advantage. But generally people wear underwear and shorts. What type of underwear? With fly, no fly, or with fly, but fly not used. Does the fly of your shorts line up with the fly of your underwear? I heard some advertising on talk radio in Hawaii recently of a new type of underwear with a horizontal quick draw fly. I had no idea there was a need for that, obviously I wasn’t current on the issue, but now I know. But you get the overall picture, the type of clothing you wear is important. Keep that in mind next time you go shopping for a new pair of shorts or pants.
Foul weather gear is a problem. Everything falls apart when the weather turns nasty. I have one of those bib type overalls I step into with adjustable straps over the shoulders. Big jacket on top. When wearing that, the Michelin man has nothing on me. I am twice my normal size and the attire limits my movements significantly. Not even with two hands, let alone with one hand and holding onto something with the other can I enjoy the act of peeing overboard. Taking the gear off outside is not an option as ‘outside’ is the reason I’m wearing it. So I have to go inside, take off all the gear while trying not to fall over, a job by itself and then sheepishly make my way to the head and sit down on the toilet.
Not all is perfect.
